• Brown Trousers

    Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship.

    As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"

    The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to successfully battle the pirate boarding party. Later, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.

    The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!"

    And once again the battle was on. This time they repelled both boarding parties. That night, the men sat around on deck celebrating the day's victories.

    An ensign asked the Captain, "Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle?"

    "Ensign, if I were wounded in battle, the red shirt would hide the blood and my men will continue the fight, unafraid."

    The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a Captain. As dawn broke, the lookout screamed there were ten pirate ships, all with boarding parties on their way. The men fell silent and looked to the Captain.

    The Captain, always calm, ordered, "Bring me my brown trousers!"
  • Cross-Examination

    In a terrible accident at a railroad crossing, a train smashed into a car and pushed it nearly four hundred yards down the track. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.

    At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how he'd done it. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.

    "Congratulations," the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You did superbly under cross-examination."

    "Thanks," he said, "but he sure had me worried."

    "How's that?" the lawyer asked.

    "I was afraid he was going to ask if the damned lantern was lit!"
  • Chemistry Lectures

    IT'S OFFICIAL - CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.

    October 9, 1995

    A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring.

    In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.

    Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour, the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.

    The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion..."
  • Bank Robbery

    During a robbery in America, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank: "Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

    Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept` Changing the conventional way of thinking.

    When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

    This is called "Being Professional" Focus only on what you are trained to do!

    When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA-trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

    The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

    This is called "Experience." Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

    After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him: "Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank."

    This is called "Swim with the tide." Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

    The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

    This is called "Killing Boredom." Personal Happiness is more important than your job.

    The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

    The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

    This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

    The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

    This is called "Seizing the opportunity." Daring to take risks!

    So who are the real robbers here??