• An Overweight Blonde

    A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

    "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

    When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

    "Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says.

    "Did you follow my instructions?"

    The blonde nods...

    "I'll tell you, I'd thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

    "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

    "No, from skipping," replied the blonde.
  • Magnificent Niagara

    I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was... "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that, etc. etc.' It eventually became very annoying.

    I am from Niagara Falls and I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Magnificent Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".

    While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes.

    It was then I asked him, "Do you have anything like this in Texas?" He waited a moment before he answered, "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."
  • Intelligent and Smart

    Larry, a computer programmer for a consulting group, had designed some software for a large account. He asked John's help in putting it into operation.

    At first, Larry handled most of the work. Eventually, though, he asked John to help with the last phase of the training.

    When John sat down with one woman and told her he would be showing her how to make changes to the files, she sighed with relief.

    "I'm so glad you're teaching me instead of him" she said.

    Surprised, John said that his colleague was far more experienced than he was.

    "Yes," she said. "But I feel much more comfortable with you. I get nervous around really intelligent and smart people".
  • Empty Boxes Problem

    A toothpaste factory had a problem: they sometimes shipped empty boxes, without the tube inside. This was due to the way the production line was set up, and people with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming out of it is perfect 100% of the time. Small variations in the environment (which can't be controlled in a cost-effective fashion) mean you must have quality assurance checks smartly distributed across the line so that customers all the way down to the supermarket don't get pissed off and buy another product instead.

    Understanding how important that was, the CEO of the toothpaste factory got the top people in the company together and they decided to start a new project, in which they would hire an external engineering consultant to solve their empty boxes problem, as the in-house engineering department was already too stretched to take on any extra effort.

    The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated, RFP, third-parties selected, and six months (and $8 million) later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, high quality and everyone in the project had a great time. They solved the problem by using high-tech precision scales that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box would weigh less than it should. The line would stop, and someone had to walk over and yank the defective box out of it, pressing another button when done to re-start the line.

    A while later, the CEO decides to have a look at the ROI of the project: amazing results! No empty boxes ever shipped out of the factory after the scales were put in place. Very few customer complaints, and they were gaining market share.

    "That's some money well spent!" he says to himself, before looking closely at the other statistics in the report. It turns out the number of defects picked up by the scales was 0 after three weeks of production use. It should've been picking up at least a dozen a day, so maybe there was something wrong with the report. He filed a bug against it, and after some investigation, the engineers come back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects, because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.

    Puzzled, the CEO travels down to the factory, and walks up to the part of the line where the precision scales were installed. A few feet before the scale, there was a $20 desk fan, blowing the empty boxes out of the belt and into a bin.

    "Oh, that," says one of the workers. "One of the guys put it there 'cause he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang."