• Shopping With Grandma

    Little Johnny and his grandmother were shopping in a department store.

    Little Johnny wanted to go to the toy department, but grandmother said that they had to stop in the ladies clothing department first. He obviously couldn't wait that long, and the next time his grandmother turned around he was gone.

    She panicked and looked everywhere for him, but he had disappeared. Finally she went to the customer service desk, intending to have them announce his name over the PA system. To her relief he was already there waiting for her.

    The woman at the desk said, "He wanted us to announce your name over the PA system, but he didn't know what your name was. We asked him what his daddy called you, and he replied 'mom', next we asked him what Grandpa called you and he replied 'Sugar'.

    "We were almost out of questions for him when another lady suggested that your daughter-in-law might call you by your first name.

    "We were so happy to see you show up at the desk," she continued, "because when we asked him what his mommy called you, we were out of ideas!"

    "Well," asked Little Johnny's grandmother curiously, "What did he say?"

    "He said," she replied, "that his mother called you 'THE B-TCH'!"
  • I Presume

    A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression "I presume."

    One little girl held up her hand and said, "Yesterday my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."

    "Very good," said the teacher.

    Another one said, "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage, I presume that the BMW wouldn't start."

    "That's excellent," says the teacher.

    Little Johnny at the back of the classroom gets up and says, "Yesterday I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm and headed for the bush, I presume that......."

    The teacher interrupted him and said, "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."

    Johnny says, "Please Teacher, let me finish my sentence."

    The teacher says, "Very well. Continue."

    "As I was saying, I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm. I presume he was going for a crap because he can't read."
  • A Miracle In My Church!

    Little Johnny goes to church on Sunday. There, he runs into the priest.

    The priest says: Good morning Johnny!

    Johnny: Good morning, Father.

    Priest: Tell me Johnny, how is your brother Timmy doing these days?

    Johnny: Well Father, Timmy is crippled you know? And just the other day Father, Timmy came to the church, took holy water and rubbed it on his right leg and threw his crutch away!

    Priest: Oh my God, a miracle in my church! We are blessed by God! Then what happened?

    Johnny: Well Father, then he took holy water, rubbed it on his left leg and threw his other crutch away!

    Priest: Praise Jesus! This is truly a miracle in my church! God is great! Then what happened, Johnny?

    Johnny: Well Father then he fell on his a$$, he's crippled you know?
  • The Tooth Brush Salesman

    The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off.

    "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good", said the teacher.

    Little Debbie was next.

    "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 , and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.

    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.

    "$2,467," he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes," echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dogpoop!' I would say, 'It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?' I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

    Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.