• Little Johnny's Balloon

    Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but he continues.

    "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off. You're going to break something."

    He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center. Little Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.

    Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets a diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

    When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.

    "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.

    He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"
  • Stern Warning!

    Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently scold the child.

    Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

    Little Johnny looked up and replied: "Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
  • Stay Away from Mom when...

    Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

    The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff. But then the teacher realised that only Little Johnny was left. "Johnny, do you have a story to share ?"

    "Yes madam... My daddy told me a story about my Mom. She was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

    "Good Heavens," said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story???" "Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk......!!!!"
  • A Letter To Dad

    A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

    Dear Dad:
    It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

    But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion. Dad she's pregnant.

    Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

    In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

    Don't worry Dad. I'm 16 and I know how to take care of myself.

    Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

    Love, Your Son JohnNY

    PS.
    Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Andy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
    I love you and let me know when it's safe to come home.