• Fix The Outhouse

    Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

    Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

    Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

    Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

    Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

    Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

    Ma says, "Ya have to stick your head in the hole to see what to fix."

    So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

    Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

    Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole,then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

    Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"
  • The Missing Shoe

    One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her.

    Later in the evening, he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.

    The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.

    "That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"
  • Creative Lunch Box

    She said: A bricklayer at my husbands construction job routinely complained about the contents of his lunch box.

    "I'm sick and tired of getting the same old thing!" he shouted one day. "Tonight I'll set my wife straight."

    The next day the men could hardly wait until lunch time to hear what happened.

    "You bet I told her off," the bricklayer boasted. "I said, 'No more of the same old stuff. Be creative!' We had one heck of a fight, but I got my point across."

    He had indeed. In front of an admiring audience, he opened his lunch box to find that his wife had packed a coconut- and a hammer.
  • Motherless Mayhem

    One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

    The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

    He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

    He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

    She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

    "Yes," was his incredulous reply.
    She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."