• I'm Outta Here

    A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again, decided to leave a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you...don't bother coming after me." Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

    After a short while the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom. She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

    After a few minutes he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone... "She's finally gone... yeah I know, about bloody time. I'm coming to see you, yeah... Right Now.. put on that sexy french nightie. I love you... can't wait to see you..."

    He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

    She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

    Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes she grabbed the note to see what he wrote...

    The note read, "I can see your feet under the bed. We're outta beer. Be back in five minutes. Love You!"
  • He Knows You

    A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:

    Attendant: How may I help you?

    Old Man: Please fill it up.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

    Attendant: So, where are you heading?

    Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

    Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

    Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He said its good weather.

    Attendant: Where are you coming from?

    Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.

    Old Lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

    Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She talked a lot and was lousy in bed.

    Old lady: What did he say?

    Old Man: He says he knows you!
  • Anger Management!

    A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.

    The doctor asks, "So what seems to be the problem?"

    The woman says, "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason at all. It's starting to scare me."

    The Doctor tells her, "I think I have just the cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish, and swish, but don't swallow it until he leaves the room or decides to go to bed."

    Two weeks later, the woman returns, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says, "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started to lose it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?!"

    The Doctor informs her, "The water itself does nothing. It's having to keep your mouth shut that does the trick."
  • Life Insurance!

    Sarah and Abe are out celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary. During the evening, Sarah broaches the subject of (their) life insurance, an issue she has been raising with him for at least 10 years, without success.

    "Abe," she says, with tears in her eyes, "I don't think you love me."

    "Why do you think that?" he asks.

    "Because if you really loved me, you would ensure that if anything happened to you, God forbid, I would be properly provided for."

    "Sarah," he says angrily, "I need life insurance like I need a hole in the head."

    "I know your views," says Sarah, "but I've spoken to two of my friends recently and they tell me that their husbands have life insurance and they're not as rich as you. If it's good enough for them, why isn't it good enough for you?"

    "I'll tell you why," replies Abe. "It's because they've been paying high premiums month after month, and what have they got so far in return? Nothing!"

    "So what if their husbands have been paying for nothing?" says Sarah. "You've always told me I'm luckier than my friends - who knows, maybe this time I'll strike it rich."