• I'm Really Flucky

    An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case.

    He returns home, and his wife says, "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" ["So? What did the doctor say?"]

    "Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ["The doctor says I have a flucky."]

    "Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"

    "I don't know -- he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."

    Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety.

    She tells her neighbors, "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"

    Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Cold is the best thing for a flucky."

    Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."

    Cold, heat! Oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself.

    "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"

    "I told him... nothing's wrong. He got OFF LUCKY!"
  • Disappearing Husband

    John and Mary were having dinner in a very fine restaurant.

    Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that John was ever so slowly, silently sliding down his chair and under the table, while Mary acted quite unconcerned.

    Their waitress watched as John slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.

    Still, Mary appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that John had disappeared under the table.

    After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

    The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "Oh, no he didn't. In fact, my husband just walked in the front door."
  • If I Die First

    Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future.

    `What will you do if I die before you do?` Dad asked Mom.

    After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

    Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

    He replied, "Probably the same thing."
  • Childhood Sweethearts

    An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood.

    To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally".

    On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars.

    The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

    She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic.

    The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home.

    One knocks on the door & says, "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?"

    She says, "No!"

    The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."

    She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."