• Getting Into Heaven

    Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.

    He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.

    A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.

    The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?

    St. Peter smiled and told him, "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined."
  • The Holy Spirit

    A traveling evangelist always put on a grand finale at his revival meetings, when he was to preach at a church, he would secretly hire a small boy to sit in the ceiling rafters with a dove in a cage. Toward the end of his sermon, the preacher would shout for the Holy Spirit to come down, and the boy in the rafters would dutifully release the dove.

    At one revival meeting, however, nothing happened when the preacher called for the Holy Spirit to descend. He again raised his arms and exclaimed, "Come down, Holy Spirit!"

    Still no sign of the dove.

    The preacher then heard the anxious voice of a small boy call down from the rafters, "Sir, a yellow cat just ate the Holy Spirit. Shall I throw down the yellow cat?"
  • Sermon About Family Love

    There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.

    The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."

    The young priest decided to take the advice.

    The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman," he paused.

    The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem.

    He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
  • The Last Supper Bill

    A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.

    "Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.

    "That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"

    "My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather!" said the Jew.

    "I gather," said an increasingly bored pontiff.

    "In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years," the Jew kept pressing.

    At his wit's end, the pontiff replied, "You have been going on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?"

    "Your Holiness," said the Jew, "The Last Supper Bill still hasn't been paid!"