|There was a young priest who was having trouble both writing and delivering his sermons. So he asked his Bishop for help.|
The wise old Bishop said, "Well you might start with something to attract and hold their attention, such as, 'Last night I was in the warm embrace of a good woman,' that will get their attention then you go on to talk about how warm and accepting she was and at the end reveal she was your mother; that is great for sermons about family love."
The young priest decided to take the advice.
The following Sunday he got into the pulpit and said, "Last night I was in the arms of a hot woman," he paused.
The congregation was totally transfixed; no lack of attention now. But he had forgotten what come next, so he stumbled on about how great she was and how good she made him feel. Then he thought of a way to get out of his problem.
He said in conclusion, "Well I may not remember who she was, but she was recommended by the Bishop!"
|A Jew applied for an audience with the Pope. After insistently waiting for three days and refusing to budge, he was finally granted one.|
"Your Holiness, I come from a long line of cooks," said the Jew.
"That's very nice," said the Pope. "What can I do for you?"
"My father was a cook too. So was my grandfather!" said the Jew.
"I gather," said an increasingly bored pontiff.
"In fact, my ancestors have been cooks for over 2000 years," the Jew kept pressing.
At his wit's end, the pontiff replied, "You have been going on and on about this since you walked in... What can I do about that and how can I help you, young man?"
"Your Holiness," said the Jew, "The Last Supper Bill still hasn't been paid!"
|I was listening to a lady who called a radio pastor. The pastor was a wise, grandfatherly gentleman who has that calm reassuring voice that can melt all fear.|
The lady, who was obviously crying, said, "Pastor, I was born blind, and I've been blind all my life. I don't mind being blind but I have some well meaning friends who tell me that if I had more faith I could be healed."
The pastor asked her, "Tell me, do you carry one of those white canes?"
"Yes I do," she replied.
"Then the next time someone says that hit them over the head with the cane," He said. "Then tell them 'If you had more faith that wouldn't hurt!'"
|The crumbling, old church building needed remodeling, so the preacher made an impassioned appeal, looking directly at the richest may in town. At the end of the message, the rich man stood up and announced, "Pastor, I will contribute $1,000."|
Just then, plaster fell from the ceiling and struck the rich man on the shoulder. He promptly stood again and shouted, "Pastor, I will increase my donation to $5,000."
Before he could sit back down, plaster fell on him again, and again he virtually screamed, "Pastor, I will double my last pledge."
He sat down, and an larger chunk of plaster fell hitting him on the head. He stood once more and hollered, "Pastor, I will give $20,000!"
This prompted a deacon to shout, "Hit him again, Lord! Hit him again!"