• Denounce The Devil

    The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

    The dying man said nothing. The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.

    The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

    The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
  • God's Laws

    A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers.

    The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."

    The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God."

    Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name."

    The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I fuck , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single fucking law the church has ever make."

    The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"

    The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."

    "Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed."

    "Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."

    Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."
  • Smoking While Praying

    Cecil and Morris are walking to services and Cecil asks, "I wonder whether it would be all right to smoke while praying?"

    "Why don't you ask the rabbi?" says Morris.

    Cecil sees Rabbi Golden and asks, "Rabbi, is it permissible for me to smoke while I pray?"
    "No, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion and traditions!" quickly answers the rabbi.

    Cecil goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Rabbi told him.

    "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

    Morris goes over to the rabbi and asks, "Rabbi, will it be ok if I pray while I smoke?"

    To which Rabbi Golden eagerly replies, "By all means, my good man. By all means."
  • Hospital Bill

    A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms, and a pen.

    She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment. `Do you have health insurance?` she asked.

    He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

    The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"

    He replied, "No money in the bank."

    "Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.

    He said, "I only have a spinster sister and she is a nun."

    The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

    The patient replied, "Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law."