|A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language and didn`t understand a whole lot of what was going on. Intending to visit one of the local churches, he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place. Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew
left was the one on the front row.|
So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew. As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too. When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too. When the man sat down, he sat down.
When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord`s Supper, he held the cup and bread. During the preaching, the recruit didn`t understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.
Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements. People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.
Then the preacher said some words that he didn`t understand and he saw the man next to him stand up. So he stood up too.
Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing. So he sat down. After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving.
When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English: "I take it you don`t speak Spanish."
The missionary recruit replied: "No, I don`t. Is it that obvious?"
"Well, yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a new-born baby boy and would the proud father please stand up."
|A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears.|
"Good Day Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing."
The woman says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we`ll have some tea."
While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?", the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like".
After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh dear, I`ve eaten all your almonds. I`ll have to replace them next time I visit."
To which Mrs Smith replied, "Oh don`t bother, Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it`s all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."
|One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Director was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.|
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.
"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we`ve never once had a Human Resources Director make it this far and we`re not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I`d like to," replied St. Peter, "but I have higher orders. What we`re going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I`ve made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman.
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell. The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator. The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and she found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it`s time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St Peter came and got her.
"So, you`ve spent a day in hell and you`ve spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your eternity," he said. The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I`d say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell." So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don`t understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled, "Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you`re staff..."
|Tommy enters the confessional box and says. . . |
"Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can`t be tellin` you, Father. I don`t want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I`m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia ?"
"I`ll never tell." "Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I`m sorry, but I`ll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed." "Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You`re a steadfast lad, Tommy, and I admire that. But you`ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What`d you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.