|There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.|
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy.
The bucket was so full, several rolled out towards the fence. Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate.
Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you."
He knew what it was. "Oh my!!" he shuddered, "It`s Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"
He cycled down the road and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
"Come quick!" he said, "You won`t believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls."
The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can`t you see I`m finding it hard to walk as it is!"
After several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one..."
The old man whispered, "Boy, you`ve been tellin` the truth! Let`s see if we can see the Devil himself."
Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me, and one last one for you. That`s all. Let`s go get those nuts by the fence, and we`ll be done."
They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before the boy!
|The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.|
The old priest suggests, "Cross you arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand."
The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, `I see", `Yes, go on` and `I understand.` `How did you feel about that?`"
The new priest practices, saying these phrases.
The old priest says, "Now, don`t you think that`s a little better than slapping your knee and saying `No shit?!? What happened next?`"
|Tommy enters the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."|
The priest asks, "Is that you, Tommy ?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"Sure and I can`t be tellin` you, Father. I don`t want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Tommy, I`m sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda ?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia ?"
"I`ll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I`m sorry, but I`ll not name her."
"Was it Cathy ?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You`re a steadfast lad, Tommy , and I admire that. But you`ve sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What`d you get?"
"Five good leads," says Tommy.
|Mrs. Jones was walking down a Street in Dublin, and coming in the opposite direction was Father O`Rafferty.|
"Hello," said the Father, "And how are you Mrs. Jones? Didn`t I marry you two years ago?"
She replied "You did that, Father."
"And are there any little ones yet?"
"No, not yet, Father," she said.
"Well now, I`m going to Rome next week, and I`ll light a candle for you."
"Oh, thank you, Father." And away she went.
Several years later they met again.
"Well now, Mrs. Jones," said the Father, "How are you?"
"Oh, very well," she said.
"And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
"Oh yes, Father. I`ve had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten in all.
"Now isn`t that wonderful !!! ," he said "And how is your fine husband?"
"Oh," she said, "he`s gone to Rome to blow out your candle ..!!!!"