• Lockdown Lethargy

    This lock-down is getting old and frankly I've had enough.

     I've discussed the matter over a cup of coffee with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining.

    I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything.

    Same with the fridge. He only gives cold comfort. 

    I asked the lamp but she couldn't shed any new light on the situation.

    The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up.

    The threshold was no better, it suggested I get over it.

    The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug.

    But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over.

    The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn't offer an opinion.

    The wall didn't say a word either, just gave me a blank stare.

    The door knob was more forthcoming - told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on.

    The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to.... you guessed it right - pull myself together.

    Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked, I didn't have a leg to stand on.

     When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comments reflected poorly on my thinking.

    However, in the end, the iron straightened things out. She said everything will be fine. No situation is too pressing for long anyways!
  • How to Play Slot Machines

    I was on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how any of the machines operated.

    "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
    v The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

    "And where does the money come out?" I asked.

    He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."
  • What Marriage Teaches You

    On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.

    "Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"

    Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness - and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
  • Survive Instructions - Anaconda Attack

    This is true !!! It details what to do if an anaconda attacks you.Excerpt is from the US Government Peace Corps Manual for volunteers working in the Amazon Jungle. Related to the boa constrictor, the anaconda is the largest snake species in the world. It grows to thirty-five feet in length and weighs 300 to 400 pounds.

    1. If you are attacked by an anaconda, do not run. The snake is faster than you are.

    2. Lie flat on the ground. Put your arms tight against your sides, your legs tight against one another.

    3. Tuck your chin in.

    4. The snake will begin to nudge and climb over your body.

    5. Do not panic.

    6. After the snake has examined you, it will begin to swallow you from the feet end - always from the feet end. Permit the snake to swallow your feet and ankles. Do not panic!

    7. The snake will now begin to suck your legs into its body. You must lie perfectly still. This will take a long time.

    8. When the snake has reached your knees, slowly and with as little movement as possible, reach down, take your knife and very gently slide it into the side of the snake's mouth between the edge of its mouth and your leg, then suddenly rip upwards, severing the snake's head.

    9. Be sure you have your knife.

    10. Be sure your knife is sharp.