• Learning a Foreign Language

    A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

    The two Englishmen just stare at him.

    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" The two continue to stare.

    "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.

    The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

    "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."
  • Late For Work

    Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10. sometimes 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older person friendly" policies.

    One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him in the office for a talk.

    "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang-on job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
    "Yes. I know boss, and I am working on it."

    "Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Arm Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

    They said, "Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, Sir?"
  • Lockdown Lethargy

    This lock-down is getting old and frankly I've had enough.

     I've discussed the matter over a cup of coffee with the kitchen sink, and we both agree that the experience is draining.

    I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts the wrong spin on everything.

    Same with the fridge. He only gives cold comfort. 

    I asked the lamp but she couldn't shed any new light on the situation.

    The vacuum cleaner was rather rude and told me to suck it up.

    The threshold was no better, it suggested I get over it.

    The carpet advised me to sweep my feelings under the rug.

    But the fan was more upbeat and thought that the crisis would soon blow over.

    The toilet looked a bit flushed and didn't offer an opinion.

    The wall didn't say a word either, just gave me a blank stare.

    The door knob was more forthcoming - told me to get a firm grip on the situation and move on.

    The front door declared I was unhinged and so the curtains told me to.... you guessed it right - pull myself together.

    Then the chair told me to table it, and the table remarked, I didn't have a leg to stand on.

     When I told the table to break a leg, the mirror said that my comments reflected poorly on my thinking.

    However, in the end, the iron straightened things out. She said everything will be fine. No situation is too pressing for long anyways!
  • How to Play Slot Machines

    I was on vacation in Las Vegas, playing the slot machines. It was my first time in a casino, and I wasn't sure how any of the machines operated.

    "Excuse me." I said to a casino employee. "How does this work?"
    v The worker showed me how to insert a bill, hit the spin button, and operate the release handle.

    "And where does the money come out?" I asked.

    He smiled and motioned to a far wall before saying, "Usually at the ATM."