• The Ardent Golfer

    A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.

    She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly, "Would you like a cigarette?"

    His yes filled with wonder as he answered, "Sure."

    She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him a cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.

    As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"

    "WoW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.

    So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.

    She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"

    Amazed at his good fortune, he said, "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"
  • Advantages of Being A Woman

    1. We got off the Titanic first.

    2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

    3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

    4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

    5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

    6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

    7. Taxis stop for us.

    8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

    9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

    10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).

    11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

    12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.

    13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

    14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

    15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

    16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

    17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

    18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

    19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

    20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

    21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

    22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

    23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

    24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.

    25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.

    26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

    27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

    28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

    29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

    30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.
  • The Riddle

    Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.

    "Your Queenship," he asked her. "I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?`

    "Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

    Trump frowned.
    "But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.

    "Oh, that's easy` the Queen replied. "You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle`.

    She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here."

    The Prime Minister walked into the room.

    "You called for me, Your Majesty?"

    "Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. " the Queen said. "Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?`

    Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."

    "Yes! Very good,` said the Queen. Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.

    Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.

    "Mike, answer this for me," said the Don. "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?`

    "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one.

    Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.

    The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her - much to her surprise.


    "Hillary, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.

    "Sure, Mike "Hillary said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge. What is it?`

    "Thanks, said Pence,` It's this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?`

    Hillary answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"

    Pence smiled, "Thanks!"

    Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton.`

    Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

    ... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
  • A Cheap Gift

    Fred was well known for his cheapness and his "eye for a bargain." One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop.

    As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in three pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Fred bought the broken vase for $5.

    He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Fred then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had been broken in the mail.

    A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived. "Yes, Uncle Fred, but unfortunately it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered."

    "What terrible luck!" said Fred. "The Post Office is getting worse all the time!"

    "It is a shame," she replied, "and it was so beautifully wrapped too ... each piece separately."
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