• The Break Up

    The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

    "Can she cook like I can?" asked the distraught fiancee

    "Not even on her best day!" replied the salesman.

    "Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?"

    "No, she's broke", the salesman said in agreement.

    "Well then, is this all about 'relations'?" cried out the devastated woman.

    "No, nobody does it like you babe," assured the salesman.

    "Then what is it?" she screamed "What can she do that I can't"?

    The salesman sighed, took a deep breath, looked his ex-fiancee straight in the eyes and said, "She can sue me for child support."

    And then it hit him... the four slice toaster he had bought for her the previous birthday.
  • Geographical Pun

    Can it get geographically punnier than this?

    Timmy : I'm Hungary.

    Mum : Why don't you Czech the fridge?

    Timmy : Okay, I'm Russian to the kitchen.

    Mum : Hmm... maybe you'll find some Turkey.

    Timmy : Yeah, but its all covered in Greece. Yucks!

    Mum : There is Norway you can eat that.

    Timmy : I know, I guess I'll just have a can of Chile.

    Mum : Denmark your name on the can.

    Timmy : Kenya do it for me?

    Mum : Okay, I'm Ghana do it.

    Timmy : Thanks, I'm so tired - Iran for an hour today.

    Mum : It Tokyo long enough.

    Timmy : Yeah, Israelly hard sometimes!
  • Bill Gates' Old Friend

    A guy ordered a drink in an airport cocktail lounge and suddenly realized that sitting across from him was Bill Gates.

    Barely concealing his enthusiasm, he introduced himself, "Hello, Mr. Gates. My name is Larry. You don't know me, but I'd like to ask you for a small favor."

    A wary Gates asked, "And what might that be?"

    "I'm meeting with a potential client here in a few minutes and if I can sign this deal, it could change my whole life. All I ask is that you walk over and greet me like an old friend. Perhaps my client will be impressed enough to swing the deal."

    Relieved, Gates said, "Sure. I can do that for you."

    A few minutes later, as the man sat talking with his client, Gates finished his drink, walked over to them, and said, "Hey, Larry! I thought that was you. How've you been?"

    And the guy replied, "F*¬Ęk off, Gates! I'm in a meeting here!"
  • Children and Wisdom

    A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are first graders.....6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!

    Better to be safe than...................... punch a 5th grader.

    Strike while the..................... bug is close.

    It's always darkest before..................... Daylight Saving Time.

    Never underestimate the power of..................... termites.

    You can lead a horse to water but...................... how?

    Don't bite the hand that...................... looks dirty.

    No news is..................... impossible.

    A miss is as good as a..................... Mr.

    You can't teach an old dog new..................... math.

    If you lie down with dogs, you'll..................... stink in the morning.

    Love all, trust..................... me.

    The pen is mightier than the..................... pigs.

    An idle mind is..................... the best way to relax.

    Where there's smoke there's..................... pollution.

    Happy the bride who..................... gets all the presents.

    A penny saved is..................... not much.

    Two's company, three's..................... the Musketeers.

    Don't put off till tomorrow what..................... you put on to go to bed.

    Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..................... you have to blow your nose.

    There are none so blind as..................... Stevie Wonder.

    Children should be seen and not..................... spanked or grounded.

    If at first you don't succeed..................... get new batteries.

    You get out of something only what you..................... see in the picture on the box.

    When the blind leadeth the blind..................... get out of the way.


    And the favorite:
    Better late than..................... pregnant!!!!