• Toddlers and Drunks

    Anyone who has raised, or even just been around, a toddler knows these things are true.

    Toddlers and drunks are EERILY similar!

    No personal boundaries.

    Falls over A LOT. Gets up, yells "I OK!" and keeps going.

    Poor decision making skills.

    Spontaneous vomiting.

    Speaks gibberish.

    Cries for no apparent reason.

    Philosophical conversations with inanimate objects.
    Short attention span.


    Poor short term memory.
    Zero inhibitions.

    Loses everything.

    Will pass out anywhere.

    One track mind.


    Getting them undressed (or redressed) is like wrestling an alligator.

    Runs into things that haven't moved..... ever.

    One volume setting - LOUD!
  • Fishing Worms

    A father had promised his two young sons he would take them on a fishing trip.

    The boys were digging for fishing bait in their parents' garden. Uncovering a many legged creature, one of the boys proudly dangled it before his Father.

    "No, son, he won't do for bait," his Father said. "He's not an earthworm."

    "He's not?" the boy asked, his eyes wide. "What planet is he from?"
  • Returning a Lost Phone

    When a customer left his cell phone in my store, I scrolled through his saved numbers, stopped at "Mom" and pushed send. His mother answered, and I told her what happened.

    "Don't worry," she said, "I'll take care of it."

    A few minutes later, the cell phone rang. It was "Mom."

    "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store."
  • Father's Ashes!

    A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to get them some snacks and drinks.

    As he's standing there alone, he lights a cigarette. After a while he notices a cute little vase on the mantle. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.

    He says, "What's this?"

    She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

    He turns beet red in horror and goes, "Oh God no.... Oh!!! I just....."

    She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."