|Santa: You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print a document, but the computer won't boot properly.|
Tech Support: What does it say?
Santa: Something about an error and non-system disk.
Tech Support: Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?
Santa: No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside. How do I get that one out?
Tech Support: It's actually fairly easy if you had the IQ upgraded lately. Have you had that done?
Santa: No, I don't think so. I'm always one of the last to get the new stuff.
Tech Support: OK, then go tell your manager that I said you qualify for an IQ upgrade.
|I went to a mixed religion seminar.|
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, "By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!"
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, "By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!"
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, "Insha Allah, you will walk today!"
I snapped at him, "There's nothing wrong with me."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, "By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!"
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
|A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"|
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful.
When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his Hoover!!!!!
If you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor, its because you have been watching too many hindi movies or have been reading too many motivational books.
|A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.|
The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The young man answered, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo."
The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, "OK, so how many sales did you make today?"
The Aussie said, "One!"
The manager groaned and continued, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The manager choked and exclaimed, "Pound 188,427.55!!! What the hell did you sell him???"
"Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.
"Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4."
The manager, incredulous, said, "You mean to tell me... a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?"
"No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said... "Well, since your weekend's buggered, you might as well go fishing."