• What's in a Name?

    The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

    "John," the new guy replied.

    The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

    The new guy sighed and said, "Darling.... My name is John Darling."

    "Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
  • Dumbest Athlete Quotes

    1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
    "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

    2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
    "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first..."

    3. Torrin Polk,University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
    "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."

    4. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
    "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

    5. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh:
    "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."

    6. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
    "You guys line up alphabetically by height..," and, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

    7. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
    "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ..."

    8. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
    "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

    9. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
    "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

    10. Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
    "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt.

    11. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
    "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
    He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

    12 Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D:
    "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

    13. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
    "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

    14. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded:
    "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
  • Fuel for Thought

    Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Sydney. It gets fogged in one night and nothing can take off or land so they have nothing to do.

    Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!"

    Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?"

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed.

    The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he felt GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

    Then the phone rings. It's Jim.

    Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?"

    Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?"

    Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?"

    Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often."

    "Yeah, well there's just one thing."

    "What's that?"

    "Have you farted yet?"


    "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Melbourne."
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