• Late Night Party

    A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges, when she returned home very late from a party.

    The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.

    At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"

    "Not too late, Dad," she replied nervously.

    Dead-pan, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front wheel of the car."
  • Wives Are Always Right

    Harry was stunned to come home from work one evening and find his wife stuffing all her belongings into a suitcase.

    "What on earth are you doing?" he cried.

    "I can't stand it anymore!" she shrieked. "Thirty-two years we've been married, and all we do is bicker and quarrel and ignore each other. I'm leaving!"

    Harry watched his wife close the suitcase, lug it down the stairs, and proceed to walk out of the house... out of his life.

    Suddenly, he was galvanized into action. Running into the bedroom and grabbing a second suitcase, he yelled back at his wife, "Sylvia, you're right, you're absolutely right, and I can't bear it either. Wait a minute, and I'll go with you."
  • Shopping With The Wife

    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Sainsbury's.
    Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Sainsbury's...

    Dear Mrs. Harris,
    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

    1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5- minute intervals.

    3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

    5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to reserve a bag of Maltesers.

    6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers they could come in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department - to which twenty children obliged.

    8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' Emergency Medics were called.

    9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

    10. September 10: While handling guns in the Sports department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

    11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

    12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

    14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed the fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!

    15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where the fitting room was.

    And last, but not least:
    16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the Staff passed out.
  • A Hunting Accident

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. His eyes are rolled back in his head and he doesn't seem to be breathing. The other hunter takes out his cell phone and calls for help.

    He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

    The operator, in a calm voice, says, "Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."

    There is silence on the phone, then a shot is heard and the hunter's voice comes back on the line. "OK," he says, "now what?"
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