Clean Jokes

The young salesman finally plucked up the courage to tell his fiancee that he was breaking off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.
"Can she cook like I can?" asked the distraught fiancee...

Timmy : I`m Hungary.
Mum : Why don`t you Czech the fridge?
Timmy : Okay, I`m Russian to the kitchen.
Mum : Hmm... maybe you`ll find some...

So I was sitting on the bus and somebody tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I`ve got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you`d like....

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains...

An old man goes to his doctor, complaining about a pain in his leg that doesn`t heal and wants a diagnosis and explanation. The doctor checks out his leg, but can`t find anything wrong. So he gives the old guy...

Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I`ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there`s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I`m going crazy...

A difficult independent 75-year-old woman liked sitting by the park feeding the pigeons. One day she brought with her a whole loaf of fresh bread just to feed her daily company. Little by little, pinch by pinch...

A man gets stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem...

The son of a financier bursts into his father`s office and says, "Dad, lend me $5,000."
"What for?" his father asks.
"I`ve got a sure tip on the market...