• The Broken Vase

    Abe was well known for his cheapness and his 'eye for a bargain'.

    One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a thrift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in 3 pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $5. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece's name and address and gave the owner another $5 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and mailed. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.

    A few days later, he called his niece to see if the present had arrived.

    "Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in 3 pieces when it was delivered."

    "What terrible luck." said Abe, "The Post Office is getting worse all the time."

    "It's a shame," she replied. "It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately."
  • Lost in the Desert

    A man is lost in the desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he's lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling - 'Mush! Mush!'

    Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time - 'Mush! Mush!'

    Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo in a fur coat driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes. Thinking that it's a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it's for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, "He-elp...!"

    The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, "I don't know what you're doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I've been wandering around this desert for days, my water's all gone and I'm completely lost!"

    The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, "You think YOU'RE lost!"
  • 1-10 Attractiveness Scale

    I was meeting a friend in a bar and as I went in, I noticed two pretty girls looking at me.

    "Nine," I heard one whisper as I passed.

    Feeling pleased with myself, I swaggered over to my buddy and told him a girl had just rated me a nine out of ten.

    "I don't want to ruin it for you," he said, "but when I walked in, they were speaking German."

    "So what does 'nine' mean in German?"

    "It means 'No'."
  • Being Multilingual

    A Swiss guy, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Englishmen are waiting.

    "Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he says.

    The two Englishmen just stare at him.

    "Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?"

    The two continue to stare.

    "Parlare Italiano?"

    No response.

    "Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

    Still nothing.

    The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgusted.
    v The first Englishman turns to the second and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language...."

    "Why?" says the other, "That bloke knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."