|Did you hear that Google is now offering free email accounts that are 500 times bigger than Yahoo's or MSN's accounts?|
Yep, but there is a catch: Google plans on reading your mail and then delivering ads based upon the content of the email.
So if your wife sends you a note saying, "If you don't figure out a way to get your dick hard, then I'm going to be forced to bone Santos our pool boy."
Then Google will include three ads in her message:
First for Viagra to offer help for your problematic erectile dysfunction.
Second for Purina dog food to help build healthy bones.
and to satisfy the most important need - a local pool service.
|Be sure and cancel your credit cards before you die! This is so priceless, and, so easy to see happening - customer service being what it is today. A lady died this past December, and the bank billed her for January and February for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank. Here is the exchange:|
Family Member: I am calling to tell you she died back in January.
Citibank: The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.
Family Member: Maybe you should turn it over to collections.
Citibank: Since it is two months past due, it already has been.
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?
Citibank: Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!
Family Member: Do you think God will be mad at her?
Citibank: Excuse me?
Family Member: Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?
Citibank: Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.
Citibank: The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.
Family Member: You mean you want to collect from her estate?
Citibank: (Stammer) Are you her lawyer?
Family Member: No, I'm her great nephew. (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: Could you fax us a certificate of death?
Family Member: Sure. (Fax number was given)
After they get the fax:
Citibank: Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.
Family Member: Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.
Citibank: Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.
(What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: Would you like her new billing address?
Citibank: That might help....
Family Member: Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69.
Citibank: Sir, that's a cemetery!
Family Member: And what do you do with dead people on your planet???
|A mother-in-law explaining work to her newly wed Daughter-in-law.|
"I am Home Minister as well as Finance Minister of this house, yur Father-in-law is the Foriegn Minister, my Son, I mean your husband runs the Ministry of Demand and Supply, and, my daughter runs Planning & Developement Ministry. Now you tell me which Ministry would you like to run?"
Daughter-in-law instantly replied with a smile, "Dear mother-in-law, I'll be the leader of OPPOSITION..."
|At dawn the telephone rings...|
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot - he is dead."
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane?? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."
"Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man???"
"The one that destroyed your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!"
"Yes, Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club."
SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........
"Ernesto, if you broke that golf club, you're in deep trouble!!!"