• Ordnance Factory Blast

    A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, an inquiry begins. One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement.

    "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene -- what happened ?"

    "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

    "He was smoking in the mixing room ?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

    "About 20 years, sir."

    "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

    "It was, sir."
  • Interrupted!

    A young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when there came the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke away at once, eyes wide with alarm.

    "Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."

    The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window, then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor."

    "For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation, "is this a time to be superstitious?"
  • Nokia 3310 Vs iPhone

    As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me.

    My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

    "Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

    "I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

    He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, 10 megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

    "I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

    "You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

    Casually, I knocked my phone off the table.
  • Grandma vs Grandpa

    Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:

    There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son's family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7-year-old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time -- just him and his granddaughter.

    One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.

    When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.

    "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?" he asked.

    ""Oh, yes, it was really wonderful. We didn't see a single a$$hole, blind bastard, dipshit or son of a bitch anywhere we went!"