• Fart Your Guts Out

    There once was an old couple who had been married for thirty years.

    Every morning the old boy would wake up and give off an enormous fart, much to his long suffering wife's annoyance.

    "You'll fart your guts out one of these days," she always complained.

    After a particularly bad week the wife decided to have her revenge and got up early, placing some turkey giblets in the bed next to the old boy's arse.

    While making breakfast downstairs she heard his usual morning fart reverberate through the floorboards followed by a scream. Twenty minutes later a rather shaken man came downstairs.

    "You was right all along Missus," the old man says, "I finally did fart my guts out, but by the grace of the Heaven, and these two fingers, I managed to push 'em back in!"
  • The Bathtub Fart

    A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

    His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

    "Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

    "Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on.

    He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily.

    "If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

    When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

    A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer.

    "What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily.

    "Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle."
  • Four Animals

    A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

    A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says."

    The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

    The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it!"

    The teacher fainted!!
  • Coffee Brewing

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

    The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

    The wife replied, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should make the coffee."

    The husband replied, "I can't believe that; show me!"

    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... "HEBREWS"
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