• When Plans Go Wrong...

    A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

    For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

    When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

    After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts."

    They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a articularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!" and they all started booing and cat calling.

    Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

    Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked, " What in the world happened?
    The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'."
  • You're The Shit

    The small town sheriff pulled over a Porsche doing 75 miles per hour in a 35 zone. Its wealthy yuppie driver was steaming.

    When he finally appeared before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you're going to give me a fine. This place must be the a$$hole of the world!"

    The magistrate softly replied, "Mebbe so, but you're what's passing through it!"
  • Perfectly Stitched

    A man brings some very fine material to a tailor and asks him to make a pair of pants. When he comes back a week later, the pants are not ready. Two weeks later, they still are not ready.

    Finally after 6 weeks, the pants are ready. The man tries them on. They fit perfectly. Nonetheless, when it comes to pay, he cannot resist a jibe at the tailor.

    "You know," he says "It took God only six days to make the world. And it took you six weeks to make just one pair of pants."

    "Ahhh...," says the tailor, "But look at this pair of pants, and then look at the world.
  • An Intelligent Blonde

    A blonde stopped at a gas station, got out of the car, opened the hood, and checked the engine oil. After a few seconds of what appeared to be intelligent thinking she took the dipstick in her hand and walked over to the attendant.

    "Excuse me," she said, "but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

    "Sure, ma'am, of course. Why do you need a longer one?"

    "Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil."