• Perfect Girl!

    A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married.

    The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."

    "Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?"

    "Yes, there was one girl once. I guess she was the one perfect girl, the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me."

    "Well, why didn't you marry her?" asked the friend. "She was looking for the perfect man," he said.
  • The Easter Bunny

    A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately The rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

    The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.

    The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

    A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

    "I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

    The blonde says, "Don't worry."

    She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.

    The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.

    Ten feet away he stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

    The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

    The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

    It says...

    (Are you ready for this?)

    (Are you sure?)

    (Last chance)

    (Okay, here it is...)

    It says, "Hair Spray Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

    Happy Easter!!!
  • Cat Food

    A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked if it's not ready on time."

    When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up.

    She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day."

    Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.

    Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

    The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking his paws."
  • Aggressive and Hostile

    A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

    So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

    The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

    Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks, "Officer, is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

    Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

    Lawyer, "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

    "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an 'AH,' underlined."

    "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

    "Aggressive and hostile?"

    "Yes, Sir."

    "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?"

    "Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do."