• God Will Provide

    A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out more about the young man. The father invites the fiancee to his study to find out more about him.

    "So what are your plans?" the father asks.

    "I am a bible scholar," the young man replies. "A bible scholar, huh", the father says. "Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter to live in, as she is used to having?"

    The young man replies, "I will study and God will provide for us."

    "And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, which she deserves?" asks the father.

    "I will concentrate on my studies and God provide for us," replies the young man.

    The conversation proceeds in this manner, which each question the father asks, the young man replies that God will provide.

    Later, the mother asks, "How did the conversation go?"

    The father answers, "He has no job and no plans, but the good news is that he thinks I am God."
  • Water or Whiskey?

    The Irish priest was at the altar one dreary Sunday morning, addressing his congregation with a vehement sermon that alcohol was the work of the devil.

    "As an example," he stated during his sermon, "If you were to lead a donkey to a bowl of water and a bowl of whiskey, from which would he drink?"

    A grizzled old Mick at the back of the church spoke up, "Aye, Father, for sure he'd drink from the water."

    The priest, elated, said, "Very good, my son. And can you tell me WHY he'd drink from the water?"

    The Irishman at the back of the church replied, "Sure, I can tell ye' why, Father. Because he's an ass!"
  • Patient Will Live but...

    On a busy Med/Surg floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."

    The doctor then began listing orders:
    "You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first. He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours. He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.

    "Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day. Give range of motion every thirty minutes. He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour. Feed him something tasty every hour. Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.

    "Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes. You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."

    The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.

    The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."
  • Treating Chronic Bronchitis

    A victim of chronic bronchitis called on a well-known physician to be examined. The doctor, after careful questioning, assured the patient that the ailment would respond readily to treatment.

    "You're so sure," the sufferer inquired, "I suppose you must have had a great deal of experience with this disease."

    The physician smiled wisely, and answered in a most confidential manner, "Why, my dear sir, I've had bronchitis myself for more than fifteen years."