• Head-On Accident

    A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

    One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

    After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage.

    The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?"

    In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road -- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"
  • A Cute Little Fart

    A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight. "Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?" he asked.

    "No, Father. Just a little gas." sister Susan explained.

    A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.

    "Gaining some weight are we sister Susan?" he asked again. "Oh no, father. Just a little gas."

    She replied again. A couple of months later the priest noticed sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.

    He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
  • Household Expenses

    Santa: Oye Jeeto! Bada Kharcha Ho Gaya Is Mahine... Saari Salary Khatam Ho Gayi. Kahan Lag Gaye Itne Paise.. Kahan Kharch Kar Diye???

    Jeeto: Maine Apne Liye Nahin Use Kiye... Ghar Kharch Mein Hi Lag Gaye Saare Paise.

    Santa: Kamaal Hai... Kuch Ni Bacha... Koi Hisaab-Kitaab Hai?

    Jeeto: Maine Sab Likh Ke Rakha Hai Diary Mein. Tum chahe Toh Chack Kar Lo.

    Santa: Ok, show me.

    Wife:
    1500 - Milk
    900 - PNKG
    4000 - Vegetables
    1100 - PNKG
    1800 - Dhobi
    500 - PNKG
    3500 - Maid
    800 - PNKG
    6000 - Grocery
    1500 - PNKG
    1800 - Electric & Water Bills
    1000 - PNKG
    1200 -
    600 -
    900 -
    ...
    ...
    Santa: Ek Minute... Ek Minute... Ye PNKG Kya Cheez Hai???

    Jeeto: Pata Nahi Kitthe Gaye!
  • Marketing Campaign

    Wilson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

    He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a television ad for Wilson's Nails.

    "Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with a tape."

    A week goes by and the marketing executive comes to see Wilson.

    He puts a cassette in the video and presses play. A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross.

    He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, "Use Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

    Wilson goes mad, shouting, "What is the matter with you? They'll never show that on television. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!"

    Another week goes by and the marketing man comes back to see Wilson with another tape. He puts it in the machine and hits play.

    This time the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross.

    The Roman looks up at him and says, "Wilson's Nails, they'll hold anything."

    Wilson is beside himself. "You don't understand. I don't want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I'll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast."

    A week passes and Wilson waits impatiently. The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video.

    A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail.

    One of them turns to the camera and says, "If only we had used Wilson's Nails!"