• Drink From The River

    A Preacher said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into the river."

    And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river."

    And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    "And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the river."

    Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

    The preacher sat down.

    The deacon then stood up and said, "For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing, 'We Shall drink from That River'." THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED HALLELUJAH...!!!
  • How High Will They Go ?

    A kangaroo at the Sydney zoo kept getting out of his enclosure every night. Knowing that mature kangaroos could hop very high, the zoo officials replaced the eight-foot fence with a ten-foot fence.

    He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo.

    They tore down the ten-foot fence and put up a fifteen-foot fence.

    He was out again the next morning.

    A twenty-foot fence was put up.

    Again he go out.

    When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, "How high do you think they'll go?"

    The kangaroo said, "About a thousand feet, unless somebody thinks to lock the gate at night!"
  • A Genuine Blonde

    A blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner if he had any parrots. The owner replied, "Sorry, I don't have any at the moment."

    "Damn!" said the blonde, "I've been invited to a fancy masquerade party for the first time in my life, and I've been told to be as authentic as possible. I'm going as a pirate, and that's why I need the parrot,` explained the blonde.

    "Well" said the owner, "if you come back here next week, specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot, guaranteed."

    "Damn!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that day or for some time after."

    "Why not?" Asked the owner.

    "Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"
  • No Longer a Virgin

    Pauly's family is at dinner, the 10-year-old daughter isn't eating much, and she just keeps her head down.

    After a few minutes, she says, "I have something to tell you."

    Everyone gets silent and they all listen.

    "I am no longer the virgin I used to be." And she begins to cry.

    A long silence, and Mr Pauly speaks to Mrs Pauly, "It's your fault, you know, always dressed and made up like a tramp. You think that's an example for your daughter? Always wallowing on the sofa; it's just terrible; that's why problems like this come up!"

    Then Mrs Pauly lights in on Mr Pauly, "And you! Do you think that you're a good example? Wasting your scrawny paycheck with your drinking buddies who even come drunk into the house - do you think that's a good example for a little girl 10 years old?"

    Then Pauly charges back in, "And her sister, that no-good, with her hairy and dope-crazed boyfriend, always with their hands all over each other - you think that's a good example too?"

    And it goes on and on, back and forth. Then the grandmother hugs the little girl to console her and asks, "Now, darling, how did this happen?

    And the little girl answers, trying to hold back her sobbing, "Father Michael chose another girl to be the Virgin in the Christmas pageant this year."