|Two judges were each arrested on speeding charges. When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there, so instead of wasting time waiting around they decided to try each other.|
One took the stand and the other said, "How do you plead?"
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court."
The two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked the judge.
The judge reflected for a moment, and said, "These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late. In fact, this is the second such incident in the last fifteen minutes. That will be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail."
|A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield.|
A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back.
The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
|She married him because he was such a "strong man" She divorced him because he was such a "dominating male."|
He married her because she was so "fragile and petite." He divorced her because she was so "weak and helpless."
She married him because "he knows how to provide a good living." She divorced him because "all he thinks about is business."
He married her because "she reminds me of my mother." He divorced her because "she's getting more like her mother every day."
She married him because he was "happy and romantic." She divorced him because he was "shiftless and fun-loving."
He married her because she was "steady and sensible." He divorced her because she was "boring and dull."
She married him because he was "the life of the party." She divorced him because "he never wants to come home from a party."
|A gang of hoodlums began hanging out on the steps of the church and hassling worshipers as they came in and out. Finally, the situation got so bad that complaints reached Father Murphy, who decided to go out and talk to the teenagers.|
The priest's appearance was greeted by hoots and catcalls. But he went up to the leader and said, "Boys, I think there are better places for you to hang out than on God's doorstep."
The gang leader defiantly said, "Fuck God."
Father Murphy winced. "You're risking God's wrath by breaking His holy laws and taking his name."
The gang leader said, "Fuck God's laws. You name one, I break it. I swear, I fuck , I steal, I smoke, I shoot people. I'll tell you what. I'm gonna break every single fucking law the church has ever make."
The priest said, "Do you really mean that?"
The gang leader turned to his buddies and said, "Do I ever go back on a promise? Blood oath. I'm gonna break every church law."
"Well," the priest said, "I know of at least one sin you haven't committed."
"Yeah? Tell me what it is and I'll do it."
Father Murphy replied, "There's a strict church law against suicide."