• First-time Flyer

    Mallu boarding a plane.
    Air hostess is smiling.
    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!
    Air hostess (shocked): What???
    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
    Air hostess calls steward.

    Mallu: Tatti Vandi!!!
    Steward: What????

    Mallu thrusts his boarding pass below the steward's nose.

    Steward looks at it and bursts out laughing. Composes himself, and says: Sir, seat 31 D is in the center. This way please!
  • A Job Application

    This is allegedly an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner submitted to B&Q (Block & Quayle) in Tunbridge Wells.

    NAME
    Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)

    SEX
    Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).

    DESIRED POSITION:
    Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

    DESIRED SALARY
    Pound 150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

    EDUCATION
    Yes.

    LAST POSITION HELD
    Target for middle management hostility.

    PREVIOUS SALARY
    A lot less than I'm worth.

    MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT
    My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

    REASON FOR LEAVING
    It was a crap job.

    HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK
    Any.

    PREFERRED HOURS
    1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

    DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
    Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

    MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?
    If I had one, would I be here?

    DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?
    Of what?

    DO YOU HAVE A CAR?
    I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

    HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?
    I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

    DO YOU SMOKE?
    On the job - NO!
    On my breaks - YES!

    WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?
    Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big tits and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

    NEAREST RELATIVE
    7 miles

    DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
    Oh yes, absolutely.

    They hired him because he was so funny.....
  • Pearls of Wisdom!

    The FEMALE always makes THE RULES.
    THE RULES are subject to change without prior notice.
    No MALE can possibly know all THE RULES.

    If the FEMALE suspects the MALE to know all THE RULES,
    She must immediately change some or all THE RULES.

    The Female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
    The male must apologise immediately for causing said misunderstanding.

    The MALE must never change his mind without the express written consent of the FEMALE.

    The FEMALE has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
    The MALE must remain calm at all times, Unless the FEMALE wants him to be angry and/or upset.

    The MALE is expected to mind read at all times.

    The MALE who does not abide by THE RULES can not take the heat, lacks backbone, is a wimp.

    Any attempt to document the RULES could result in bodily harm.

    If the FEMALE has P.M.S., all THE RULES may be null and void.

    The FEMALE is ready when she is ready, The MALE must be ready at all times.
  • The Monks and a Woman

    Two monks were returning to the monastery in the evening. It had rained and there were puddles of water on the roadsides. At one place a beautiful young woman was standing unable to walk across because of a deep puddle of water.

    The elder of the two monks went up to her and lifted her in his arms, carried her over the puddle and left her on the other side of the road. Afterwards, he continued on his way to the monastery.

    The younger monk was both confused and slightly upset by the elder monk's actions.

    Later in the evening the younger monk came to the elder monk and testily said, "Sir, as monks, isn't it true that we cannot touch women?"

    The elder monk answered, "Yes, brother."

    The younger monk then responded, "But then, sir, how is it that you lifted that women on the roadside?"

    The elder monk smiled at him and said, "Brother, I left her on the other side of the road, but you are still carrying her."
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