Every day you survive statistically increases your odds of dying tomorrow.
Most humans are ok with being licked affectionately by strangers as long as they aren't human.
I wanna be a billionaire by the age of 40, like my father.
He wants to be a billionaire too.
My girlfriend just broke up with me and left me in a huge amount of debt...
Forever a loan.
I asked our server: Can we see the menu please?
She scoffed and said: The men I please is none of you business.
Which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords...
She got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that, what are they?"
I have many jokes about unemployed people -- sadly none of them work.
My Wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath...
I suppose I should wait until she gets out.
If higher taxes on cigarette are meant to discourage smoking...
Wouldn't Income Taxes discourage working?
