My wife texted me a selfie of herself in a new dress. She asked if it made her look fat. I texted back Noo...
My phone autocorrected it to Moo. I now don't know what to do
My girlfriend just broke up with me and left me in a huge amount of debt...
Forever a loan.
I asked our server: Can we see the menu please?
She scoffed and said: The men I please is none of you business.
Which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords...
She got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that, what are they?"
I have many jokes about unemployed people -- sadly none of them work.
My Wife says it's disgusting to piss in the bath...
I suppose I should wait until she gets out.
If higher taxes on cigarette are meant to discourage smoking...
Wouldn't Income Taxes discourage working?
Me alcoholic ? No way.
Many people ask why I drink so much. It's because I have a medical condition where my body doesn't produce it's own alcohol, whereby I have to take supplements.
The Angel of Death said, "I've come for you."
The man replied, "Why? I'm fine, I'm happy, I'm healthy!"
The angel said, "You left your phone at home without locking it, and your wife found it."
Man, "Alright then... let's go."